Boundaries is such a trendy word to throw around these days. But, especially if your kiddos have special needs and as we head into the holiday season it's worth having a quick discussion about what they are (and are not). I'll also share my top tips for how to communicate them and then stick to them.

I don't claim to be an expert on boundaries, but I can share what's worked for me and my family, as well as point you towards an excellent resource to learn more.

Boundary Basics

First and foremost, a boundary is something that only requires action on your part. A boundary doesn't demand anything from anyone else. You can request a change in someone's behavior, but that's not a boundary. The boundary is the action you decide you will take based on some other thing happening or not.

I read somewhere that a boundary is the distance at which I can love you and still love/respect myself.

And I think if we approach boundaries from that lens, then they are something that does the opposite of create a wedge between you and others. Boundaries allow you to put your needs into consideration in your interactions with the people around you. They are loving. They say, I want to have a relationship with you in a way that we both feel respected. I won't try to control you, but I won't stay in a conversation/relationship that doesn't feel supportive to me.

I like to also remember that clear is kind. Being polite and not sharing your needs is dishonest. And dishonesty is not kind. It also doesn't actually "keep the peace" for you to allow your needs and boundaries to be trampled. Even if it does this time, that resentment will just keep building as you kick the can farther down the road, leading to eventually a rupture in the relationship when you explode all over them for not reading your mind for your 6 months-worth of unexpressed needs.

How you might approach setting boundaries this month

Let's walk through an example that you might be facing even if you don't have a kiddo with special needs: politics at Thanksgiving dinner. Your Uncle Fred likes to have a few too many pre-dinner drinks and then bring up his favorite party/candidate's talking points all throughout the meal. No one enjoys it, least of all you.

You might start this process now, weeks before Thanksgiving, by either having a phone call with whoever is hosting this year or sending out a group email. In this preliminary communication you want to do a few things: start with excitement about seeing everyone, remind them of how nice a meal is without conflict, and gently tee up the request that everyone agree ahead of time that politics is off the conversation list. Bonus points if you send the email after you've already had a couple of pre-preliminary exchanges to rally support from your sisters/cousins/mom and ask them to chime in on the email with their support, neatly out maneuvering any blustering from good old Fred.

That conversation is you making a request. You're asking other people to change their behavior, but not demanding it.

The boundary in this situation comes in what you decide you will do if Fred flips you two verbal middle-fingers and doubles down on the rhetoric at Thanksgiving.

Your boundary might be, "I won't discuss politics at dinner this year."

In practice that could look like, after Fred pipes up with, "It's shameful how the libs shut down the government for so long," you might choose to ignore it or simply change the subject.

If it continues, you could address it, but in a way that still isn't provoking all out conflict. You might say, "Now, Uncle Fred, we talked about this in that email a couple weeks ago and everyone pretty much agreed to leave politics alone so we can all enjoy our time together. Why don't you tell us about the new XYZ you got/the trip you took/etc.?"

If he still keeps at it, you can grab your plate and either say nothing while removing yourself to the kitchen to finish your meal in peace. You could again address it with something like, "I think the conversation at the kids' table is going to be more my speed this year," and get up with your plate.

Notice how the action required to hold the boundary is all on you. "I won't discuss politics at Thanksgiving this year" controls the only thing you can control - your behavior. How you hold that boundary is entirely up to you. But a boundary can't be, "Fred doesn't get to talk about politics," because you can't control his behavior.

I learned this framework of request then boundary, plus the escalation of action or how directly you verbally address a boundary breaker from Melissa Urban, the author of The Book of Boundaries. She's got a phenomenal green-yellow-red set of tiered responses for nearly every boundary scenario you can think of in her book.

Permission Slip: You can do it any way you want to. Signed, Rebe

One other concept I like to pair with the conversation around boundaries is that, you are, in fact, a grown adult and you get to do "it" any way you want to. Now, this isn't carte blanche to be an a-hole about it, but you can say no to things that don't work for you and your kid(s). You can change up how you do it. You can do it however you want.

Yes, other people may have big feelings about your choices, but if you have a healthy relationship with them you should be able to explain why you're making a different choice this year and eventually they will understand. They're entitled to their feelings, and their feelings are not your responsibility. Just like it's your responsibility to manage YOUR feelings, which sometimes involves making choices and holding boundaries that others don't like.

Realistically, I know most of us have a mix of healthy and unhealthy relationships within our families and you making a choice that bucks the norm may cause drama. But in the case of supporting your children, especially if they have special needs, I'd ask you this - is it more important to make your mom happy, but sacrifice your enjoyment and your children's comfort, pushing them into a situation you know is going to be disregulating for them? Or is it more important to prioritize your child's needs, knowing that you're the only one who is 100% responsible for their wellbeing and protecting their interests?

In the early years of my family, when my kiddos were younger and less able to handle all the things, we lived in Chicago and both of our families were in Missouri, spread across the state from Kansas City to St Louis. We made the decision early on that we would travel to see both families for Thanksgiving week, but would stay home over Christmas. If either set of grandparents wanted to come to us for Christmas, they were welcome to do so, but we prioritized being home for the holiday that included more chaos and meant more to us. For the most part, both sets of our parents completely understood our decision and supported it. My sister was the one with big feelings (which tbh is par for the course) telling me I was being selfish and abandoning our family. Which she wasn't technically wrong about - I was, in fact, making a choice that worked for my family and placed our needs above the time, effort, and frankly danger involved in traveling hundreds of miles across the midwest by car in late December. What she didn't realize, as a single young woman, is that this shift of taking care of your child's needs first is a normal and necessary transition every family that honors itself must go through.

So, as you consider the upcoming holidays, let your imagination run wild. If you knew there would be no drama, what would you say no to in a heartbeat?

Boundaries you may want to set and how to hold to it

Around the holidays the challenges are not only unique, but the whole damn situation can feel rigged against you. There are all these expectations/pressures around behavior, kissing/hugging relatives that are basically strangers, travel, clothing, and how long you'll stay. Every routine is tossed out the window. The foods are "special" (aka not what your kiddo usually eats) and there are too many people and too much noise. For a neuro-spicy kid, any one of those things might be enough to trigger a full on meltdown and understandably so. Add in family that feels entitled to give you parenting advice based on the 10.3 seconds of observations they've done and you might be on the way to your own meltdown (understandably so).

So how can you use boundaries to make the holidays a bit smoother for you and your crew?

Think about the situations that have been anxiety producing for you and your child at past gatherings. How can you make a request before the event and or set a boundary that improves that thing?

If your kiddo struggles with eating unfamiliar food, let the hostess know ahead of time that you'll be bringing a plate of food for them from home. It's up to you how much you want to try to explain why, but then on the day of, you bring their food, warm it up, put it on the nice china if you want (and is appropriate), and don't make a big deal about it. The request is "please understand why I'm doing this" and the boundary is "I'm going to ensure my child has food they know and enjoy." You're not asking the host to make anything special for them, you're just providing for your child.

If it's the noise/chaos that overwhelms them, let people know that Susie will be wearing her earplugs all evening and you're not asking for feedback on the decision.

If it's the expectation that everyone shows up at noon, but you don't eat until 6pm that doesn't work for your child, then let your partner tell your mother-in-law that you will be there at 5 to help with last minute preparations and will bring your fully cooked dish with you. (Boundaries are best communicated by blood - so you deal with your family and your partner deals with theirs. Period.)

If it's the snide comments about your parenting, again, you get to decide how much you explain about your situation before you see get to dinner. Practice saying in the mirror, "Oh, I'm not open to discussing our parenting style with anyone. But I do want to know about XYZ!" or a similar boundary + deflection statement in as neutral a voice as you can manage.

With any of these, the thing you absolutely must do is hold the boundary you establish, even if your voice shakes. Have a few phrases in your hip pocket to rely on: "Oh, [topic] isn't something I'm asking for feed back on." or "I don't want to discuss [topic]. What's new in your life?"

If they persist, you have to double down, too: "I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not going to discuss this with you," and change the topic again.

If they still try to trample all over your request/boundary, this is where you remove yourself from the situation. This is not where you lose your cool and scream, "I asked you not to give me advice!!!" You can either simply get up, mid-sentence, or decide you want to say something like, "I'm not going to stay in this conversation if you continue to bring up XYZ," and then leave/turn to the person on your other side, etc.

Holding Boundaries is a Practice

Just like any inter-personal skill, setting and holding boundaries is a practice - a muscle you have to flex and work for it to grow. You'll get it wrong and even if you do it all by the book, if you've never set a boundary before, the people who have enjoyed access to you and your energy they have no right to may be upset when you remove that undeserved privilege.

If you start with a discussion before the situation arises again though, and depending on the relationship, explain how you've been feeling and how this boundary will help you feel more seen, loved, understood, then hopefully they're received better than your anxiety wants to tell you will happen.

Have you ever had to set a boundary with your loved ones to support yourself or your kiddo(s)? How did it go? Let me know in the comments!