The Self-Care Advice That Didn't Work After I Hit Survival Mode (And What Finally Did)

The car door slammed shut, cutting off the screams mid-breath.

I stood there in the parking lot, sweat running down my spine after wrestling my preschooler out of Target after who-knows-what triggered an autistic meltdown, and felt my own scream clawing its way up my throat.

It was 9:30am on a Monday, and I was already exhausted.

The kind of bone-deep weariness and hopelessness that hits when you've moved past momentary dysregulation and even past burnout into survival.

It's something a lot of parents feel at one point or another. Some seasons are harder than others.

But if you've got a chronically ill, neurospicy, or developmentally different child???

Hoooo-boy. It's different. It just is.

I mean, I was TRYING to take care of myself. My husband was supportive and has always been a team player, so I was getting the basics in (eating, showering, decent hours of sleep) and finding time for the occasional pedicure or massage. I was exceptionally good at "treating myself" with retail therapy, sweet-treat-o'clock, and bottles of wine literally called "Mommy's Time Out."

But NONE of that mattered on that steamy Monday standing next to my car.

My nervous system was shot. Doneskis. This was my rock bottom and I knew, in a moment of Divine clarity, that if I got back into that car as I was, and if something larger didn't change, I was going to do or say something that was out of alignment with who I wanted to be as a parent. I was going to make things worse for all of us.

So what did I do to get me through that moment in the parking lot?

Intuitively, I took two deep breaths with my eyes closed. And somehow, it was enough.

I got back into the car, got my kiddo home, and was able to survive another day.

What the self-care experts get wrong

But it got me wondering if there was a system or a tool I could learn that would help me. I briefly looked into meditation courses, but in 2015 there was really only Transcendental Meditation available. And they wanted $10K, six months before I'd start to see results, and a mandatory hour of sitting in silence each day to chant the mantra they were going to give me.

hahahahahahahahaha

I had NONE of that.

I didn't have $10K - don't they realize I'm already paying for therapy, specialists that insurance won't cover, AND I've lost work due to caregiving demands?

And don't even freaking get me started on the one-hour a day for six months. If I had that kind of time to myself, do you even think I'd be Googling this shit at midnight?

So I did what I do best - I gathered all the information I could get my hands on and started to experiment on myself. I gave myself permission to make it wildly practical. I challenged myself to make it even simpler, while still gaining the benefits I was looking for. And then I started to talk about what was working for me.

Tools you can use today

Over the years and through my studies on anxiety, the nervous system, trauma-informed somatics, and energy work, I've added to and refined the practices I use and teach.

But before we get into the tools I recommend for In the Moment, In the Aftermath, and Long-term, I want you to hear me loud and clear:

You need to understand that finding yourself in survival mode is not a personal failure. It's your nervous system's only way of dealing with the tsunami of information, demands, and roadblocks that the systems around you are relentlessly sending your way.

Whatever way you feel right now, it makes complete sense to me how you got there. So, let's set down any sense of shame or embarrassment about being in the trenches of survival mode, and see where we go from here, okay?

In the Moment

These tools are so simple you can do them right now while reading about them. In fact, I would LOVE for you to do just that. (Ahem. Or you can come to my Oct 1 virtual workshop and do them with me... Details below!)

They are wildly practical by design so that when your system hits fight-or-flight, you can still remember and do them.

1. The very first tool I teach every single client is the Micro-Meditation or the "Stoplight" Meditation. It takes less than 30 seconds to do, so you can do it at a stoplight. In fact, I encourage people to do it EVERY time they hit a red light or stop sign so they do it multiple times a day. Okay, you're going to take 2 slow, deep breaths, trying to make your exhales slightly longer than your inhales. Bonus points if you can be obvious enough to close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. But those aren't required, just nice to add on.

2. If you're in a longer "moment" and need to keep your calm (like during a child's meltdown, or during a 45-minute MRI of your brain when you're claustrophobic), stay focused on your breaths but count them. Inhale, count 1. Exhale, count 2. Inhale, count 3. And so on until you exhale and count 20. Then repeat as long as you need to. You'll lose track of your count. It's okay! We all do. Just gently bring your focus back to your breath and start over at 1 again.

3. If you can change your physical position easily, I highly recommend grounding. Literally, sit down on the floor, whether you're in the middle of the grocery store or your kitchen, and place your hands down on the ground. Bonus points if you can get outside and do this on the Earth - sand, dirt, grass, doesn't matter. Shifting your body and environment will often shift your nervous system's state, with no other intervention needed. Plus, being in nature has a proven positive impact on your overall health. Pair this up with a Micro-Meditation and you're doing real work towards supporting yourself in a moment where you feel dysregulated.

In the Aftermath

After you've had a moment where your primordial brain took over and you went into a survival mode response, one of the best things you can do for your nervous system is to let your body complete the stress response cycle.

Have you ever noticed how you will shake after an altercation with someone or a near-miss that floods your system with adrenaline? Many of us have been conditioned to view that as a sign of weakness and our inability to cope with the situation. We try everything from sitting on our hands to mentally berating ourselves in an effort to stop shaking ASAP.

However, if you only have one tool in your toolkit for the immediate aftermath of an intense situation, let it be this: SHAKE IT, BABY!

Even if you didn't naturally start shaking, I want you to shake your whole body for a minimum of 2 minutes. Make weird shapes with your body. Make weird noises and faces. Shake out your hair, your head, your arms, shimmy your chest, and shake out your legs. Hop up and down. Allow the stress loop to come to its natural physiological conclusion so that gunk doesn't get stored up in your body.

Long-term

The solution for burnout/survival mode/caregiver collapse can't be a vacation where you return to the same situation that got you to that point.

If the circumstance that pushed you into survival mode isn't something with a near-term end (like moving across the country, or dealing with an acute injury that will heal and return you to your previous level of abilities), then you will need to take a step back and do an audit of what systemic changes might be necessary moving forward.

This unflinching look at what you can delete/delegate/simplify is part of what I do one on one with my private coaching clients who are stuck in survival mode. You MUST do this last piece if you ever hope to get your head above water and stay there - especially if ongoing care for others has landed on your shoulders.

Reading this list of techniques is one thing. But having someone walk you through all this and more so your nervous system finally allows you to exhale? That's worth its weight in gold.

Need More Help?

Join me on Oct 1 at 7pm CDT for a full 90-minute small group experience. This workshop isn't just a lecture; it includes education, plenty of opportunities to practice the skills as you learn them, and time for a Q&A at the end for personalized support. Save your spot for Self-Care When You're in Survival Mode and I'll see you there!

PS: Yes, the replay and reference sheet will be yours to keep.